Howling to the Moon

Details: Last Updated: Sunday, 27 October 2013 20:37; Written by Mara Liberman

From one day to the next we wake up different. We are somewhere between 38 and 50 years old, but until that moment eternally 20, with all the time in the world in front of us and every path still open.

Howling to the Moon: A study of the symbolic meaning of eating disorders. How to cope with being 40 and after...

But perhaps on this day we become aware of the existence of internal organs, which we have only conceived of theoretically. Nobody thinks very much about one's liver or lungs, they just happen to be there, and to feel that they exist is not much fun. Or it happens when we stare a bit longer into the mirror, which reveals more wrinkles than we thought we had or reflects something unfamiliar, as if an unknown person was staring through our eyes. In the end it does not matter what the apparent catalyst is: a great anxiety appears to take over everything, and suddenly the possibilities are inexorably restricted, the mind is inundated with feelings of loss and limitations and we fall from the great heights of the immortal Olympic omnipotence of youth into the arms of a finite and scarce time, human and mortal.

Dan, 45, an executive with a large multinational, had this experience when he was on a flight returning from New York shortly after going to the bathroom and noticing how exhausted he looked. He felt a little unwell, and decided it must be stress. First he thought about his heart, because it was beating faster. He felt slightly dizzy when he returned to his seat, and suddenly felt extremely tired, as if he hadn't stopped for years. And in fact he hadn't, to keep his position was even more complicated than the war he had fought to get there... But at that moment, Dan questioned his future, and thought there wasn't much of a future ahead for him... and an intense feeling of dread overwhelmed him.

Nothing will be the same as before. With high and lows, periods of crisis and calm, the great transition of middle age has arrived and will only pass when we are transformed and ready to start, armed with different values and concepts, a new life cycle.

The initial problem is to accept that this is happening, and that it is a normal, fundamental process through which the psyche has a greater possibility of providing significant changes that will prevent premature crystallizations or fatal stagnations. But there is really nothing that prepares us to cope with a crisis of this proportion and with such potential for suffering, where we are only capable of noticing quite clearly the losses, whilst the gains appear tenuous or mere rationalizations.

In our society there are no rituals of passage for middle age, no graduation ceremony that helps us to understand or prepares us for what is also a phase of growth. Often, we do not even mention the "strange feelings" that ravage us, for fear of appearing ridiculous or crazy and becoming even more alone, isolated from ourselves and possible companions on the journey.

Arriving in São Paulo, Dan did not say anything about the strange feelings he had on the flight, about the moments of nausea and fear. He had another important meeting in the morning and needed to be fit. As always. He went into his beautiful and elegant apartment like someone passing through, kissed Tereza, his wife, without really recognizing her - it was always a surprise to see her so muscular and fit, so hardened up in body and face expressions. He had a moment of anxiety, thought: "What rubbish, it'll pass!" But couldn't sleep.

Dan could not at that moment identify why he was unable to establish any link or complicity with his wife. But they had always been married only on paper roles, he as the unsatisfied provider and she as the perfect and unhappy wife...

In the end, what is the vision that the western world has, and with which we are impregnated, of adult life? Basically, it is that we have a period of growth during which we make significant acquisitions, followed by a plateau of stability, from which a long declining curve emerges, consisting of descending tunnels, that wind down a long condemnation to an apparently inexorable decline. The prize and medals we get for our efforts seem to be only old age, uselessness, expendability, illnesses and death.

Faced with this frightening prospect, denial seems to be the obvious answer. For a long time some people try to live their lives without thinking about mortality. Every mean is fine if it guarantees that it will be different, an eternal 'happy end'... And since the signs of crisis appear to be the beginning of this terrible decline, deception, silence, anxiety and withdrawal can be the first reactions.

It was a long time after that flight before Dan was able to speak of this period in therapy, when he commented: 'what I wanted most was a friend to talk to. But I thought I was going crazy... I was afraid that in some way they would hold it against me if they knew. Then I realized I had a great social life but no real friends...'

During the first half of life the ego occupies the supreme position, undertaking a heroic journey in its search to conquer a valid place for the ego to establish a place in the world. The typical nowadays youths leave their parents' castles, slowly building up strength with new amours that represent success, like Armani suits, Donna Karan outfits. They use Mont Blanc or Aurora pen sets as swords, organizing the world on the screens of their notebook as if they were F14 hunting radars. They receive their imported horses caught on sleek cars and conquer their maidens, or vice versa, without really paying any attention to the dragons that should be understood at the same time. During this process you learn to have nerves of steel and keep your emotions under strict control. The ego, to assert itself in an increasingly hostile world, can demand fierce and efficient single mindedness that eliminates nuances and questioning.

However, man is far more complex than this, and everything that our urban hero leaves aside will at some point need to be integrated and evaluated. Any aspects that are left aside in the Shadow, repressed since they are considered inappropriate to his journey or obstructive to his competitiveness, have to find a means of expression, or life becomes impoverished and empty. Superficial relationships are no longer fulfilling, even if they occur within an elegant and politically correct scenario.

According to C. G. Jung, halfway through life another aspect begins to dominate the psychic map, the Self, the nucleus and totality of the personality, the central archetype that will guide all of the quests in the future, in the search for the meaning of life. It encourages existing values to be reviewed and modified: everything is re-assessed, reviewed by all of one's consciousness, because all of the important philosophical questions about existence and the more profound definitions are at stake. Points that are more relevant for the essence that for existence: a BMW is still appreciated, but it does not absolve or redeem.

Between the domination of the ego and the calling of the Self, there is a long journey, a long period of transition, which unfortunately has to be performed without rituals, without signposts indicating the way and with no shelters. In a society that does not mark journeys nor value the stages of life, which only values eternal youth, there are no celebrations for this journey to another stage of growth. There is no users manual to advise on how to avoid traps and pittholes along the way or on how not to be eaten up by stress, there is only the realization that this journey has to be lived in its entirety.

But the crisis begins with radical and constant evaluations of what we had been until then, a process that appears to be dominated by pure destruction, by judgments of extreme severity that are relentlessly negative. As we meet the cold eyes of our internal slayers the feeling of unworthiness might be so intense that the initial reaction might be panic.

The word panic originates from Pan, a character from Greek mythology with the strange appearance of a satyr, the feet and horns of a goat and a terrible face, who plays the flute and inhabits forests and caves. God of cattle and fertility, he amused himself by chasing nymphs and by frightening solitary travelers or those that have wandered from the pre-established and usual paths, which is where the crisis pushes us: we no longer fit into our previous life, but we still do not have a clear direction for the future. We may have the feeling we are marginal and marginalized, not valued, strangers, and this frightens us in the same way as Pan's roars. Fear can take over. We, that fit so well, became outsiders.

Everything appears confusing. During the restructuring proposed by the Self some archetypal movements are mobilized, which begin by disorganizing everything that appears stratified and stagnated, as in a revolution that questions everything so that later new things can be built. It is the beginning of intense mournings where we say goodbye to earlier stages of our self as if they represent friends that are lost forever. The assumptions upon which our conquests were based are shaken and the identity that we knew is weakened.

There is an archetype, Senex, that represents Old Age, and which can come into force as a defense against the fear of loss bringing depression and despondency as a result of our extremely severe evaluation of the past. It is when we feel 120 years old, inhabitants of a long gone dinosaur age and out of date, useless, empty, pathetic fixtures and fittings of doctors' waiting rooms... Fear of changes and the unknown can hide, under the influence of Senex, behind an extremely conservative attitude that was previously unimaginable. Even more depressed, the old representatives of the sixties and seventies, so cool and flexible in their time, can become a lot worse that their parents...

Tyrannical and ultra-conservative leaders come on the scene, champions of the status quo, who hate young people for being the future heroes and therefore threatening their conquered positions... The wolf man or woman, in a middle age crisis, can deny any original movement and continue to compete against the youthful herd that pursues him or her. The ego holds on to what is known in search of a lost identity and security, which further delays the process. The Old Man represents stagnation and deterioration, as he only speaks of slow things than cannot be changed.

After a meeting in which Dan had been particularly inflexible when faced with some proposals that were rather innovative and which he viewed with suspicion he dreamt he was in front of a stream that he was unable to cross. He followed the river to its source. The faded afternoon light fell upon three immense statues. When he approached them he realized they were a king, a queen and an unrecognizable figure. The statues were made of ice and were broken, like ruins. Looking down he could perceive that there was something shinning in the sand, but he was unable to get close.

* * *

Marina, a woman aged 47, had been an industrialist in Argentina. She was very successful, but had witnessed her company go bankrupt during an economic crisis in her country. She had been married twice, but had no children due to an early menopause. She came to Brazil with her mother and sister in an attempt to rebuild things, always maintaining the role of leader and provider. Attractive, elegant, rational and articulate, at the beginning of her analytical process she brought this dream:

She was looking at an enormous house, a mansion with Greek marble columns at the entrance. It appeared silent and empty. It was surrounded by a very elegant garden that was covered in snow. Marina went for a walk in the garden, between benches and lanes made of ice. She started to go up a stairway bordered by statues. They were imposing and proud horses, slightly raised with their hooves in the air.

She stops in the middle of the steps, fascinated by the impression of strength that they exhaled; dilated nostrils, wild manes, alert eyes. Suddenly she realizes that the horses had been alive, but had been frozen by the same force that had immobilized the whole house. She was extremely frightened and ran to the garden where she sees something colored moving in a corner. It was three yellow striped kitten lost in the snow, crying. Distressed, she woke up. Her first thought was that the classic ice of perfection was even threatening to kill the tenderness the cats seemed to represent

In opposition to Senex, there are two other archetypes, the Puer (the Young) and the Trickster, who controls changes and revolutions and brings our most repressed sides to the surface, sometimes in a playful way, sometimes creative, when not connected to shadowy aspects dormant in us. Its role in this phase is to encourage us to get closer to and own exactly the Shadow, the archetype that represent all that is repressed and considered as evil, but that holds the potentials for original and strong creativity and keys to change of stale points of view. This is a chaotic process that will later enable the personality to enlarge and expand in many unsuspected ways while integrating the repressed contents and characteristics we overlooked in our adaptive efforts, challenging the single mindedness of unilateral egoic development.

An immense ancient cathedral in a distant land. Marina enters and begins to look at the dazzling stained glass windows, the gothic copulas and the long long walls. She notices that the entire cathedral is covered in small wooden sculptured plates. Each one demonstrates a scene that illustrates in bas-relief what appears to be the story of humanity. There are scenes of caves, surrounded by fire. Others depict magical forests. There are war scenes, bodies doubled up in pain or in love, banquets, families. Smoke clouding silhouettes of distant beaches, parts of Biblical stories. Monks praying, people dying, feet clad in sandals walking ancient paths. She gapes at this incessant display of beauty and despair.

Some people appear in the corner the old church. They are youths dressed in strange clothes, with an emphasis on dark leather and flashy rings, who quickly assemble a type of stage. A spotlight breaks the shadow of centuries and a rock concert starts, noisily and totally irreverent. Marina wakes up laughing and the transgression is finally welcome in her so solemn life.

Men and women of 40-plus have a great deal of energy and all of this psychic movement results in a type of second adolescence, where one feels it is possible to challenge everything. Even some adolescent spots can appear on their interesting faces... As well as changes in humor total moodiness and quick making and giving up of plans. Values and concepts are tested, as well as clothes, styles and hair cuts.

A lot of marriages come to an end during this period, jobs can be abandoned or lost, property sold, neo-hippie trips undertaken; like Dória for example, a brilliant publicity executive who gave up his highly paid job, and sold everything to start travelling with his rucksack with no definite route in mind, something he had wished but had not dared do when he was twenty.

There is the need to try out new styles of behavior that appear attractive, and our wolves in fancy clothes howl in search of concrete and radical changes where the new can make them feel young or like heroes again. They look for new models in love, cars and apartments, or for new children they might beget. Working out in gyms can become an obsession, not to try and find harmony and health, but in search of a lost figure, a dream young shape, in an attempt to mummify the past.

Sometimes drugs and alcohol are the escape sought in the search for relief and for contact with other universes. Substances that can produce for some moments a magical injection of omnipotence or symbolize the desire to finally transgress or explode the status quo.

Marina has discovered that it is possible to wake up later on Sundays and not incur divine wrath and punishment for taking long luxurious bubble baths, and she begins to dismantle her well-constructed armor. She discovers she is exhausted from the endless effort of giving everything to everyone and having to retain her pose. She wants to receive something in return and starts to demand. She argues.

During this phase of breaking down her persona, she dreams that a black cat is repeatedly banging at a glass window, desperate to enter. She is afraid.

Another day a larger cat appears. It makes a lot of noise and it seems like it's going to break the window. When the first dent runs like lightning falling on the surface of a lake, the cat is transformed into a gigantic dark butterfly. When it bangs against the window it suddenly acquires all of the colors of the rainbow spreading in soft iridescent powders in its delicate wings, that, with the effort, tear in shreds. Marina wakes up in anguish believing she should have opened the window after all.

During this process standards and relationships that had become unbearable, exhausting and devoid of energy can be brought to an end. Others, however, that which were still important can be just thrown away amidst the trash, to later speak of further regrets. In the thirst for renewal, a lot of what should be rethought is deleted. But a sense of relief does not yet appear, because the process needs to be internal, a change in focus is needed and not necessarily a change in neighborhood, city or marital status. Truths that are sought only outside of us can go further and further away... Dória grew a lot, not because he found a new version of the Beatles, but because he found the first opportunity in his status and glamour laden life to be alone and to reflect in a situation in which he felt he had nothing else to lose and was therefore free.

A great feeling of strength appears, seeping from how truly strong we feel and are, and from the movement undertaken by the psyche in its search for entirely new resources. Thus, we howl at the moon out of sheer impatience of concentrated desires that now impose themselves, and with all the nostalgia for what might have been and was not. We howl too out of the constant human restlessness to find our true path and find our own lost tribe, where we belong. Used in the right way, it is this strength that will be the driving force of transformation.

Thousands of dreams have been abandoned over the decades; perhaps some can be taken up again, but others will have to remain forgotten forever. We no longer have that infinite time, where "later" was so extensive a concept that contained all infinite combinations of all our possible futures. On the contrary, we start to question the choices we indeed made, often with the desperate feeling that it is already too late to make others. It is the time to learn how to carefully prioritize goals and to do this involves recognizing limits. A large step for becoming human...

From crisis to crisis, between moments of strength and desperation, oscillating between 15 and thousands of years is possible to realize that metamorphosis is as inevitable and natural as a bird changing its feathers to fly better and farther and snakes shedding old skin for a new one in order to grow. Because this crisis, like all crises, is an opportunity for expansion and growth, the time to leave aside armour that has become asphyxiating, to try out new ways of being free and wise.

It is the time to discover that, whether we were successful or not during the first half of life, we were prisoners to what society demanded of us, tied to the tyranny of an idealized way of being and to the great lie that is imposed on theyoung to make them more productive and says that if they do everything correctly, they will necessarily be successful in all areas and that happiness is an inevitable consequence of status...

That beautiful dream that was followed as young people with all the energy and that was never felt reachable, the star that guided our battles, was it really born in our hearts or only borrowed from the book of choices for possible successes that our society provided us with? Did we give up deep relationships with our children and the possibility of intense loves because we were concerned about our own path or with a path that was imposed on us? And the beauty we searched to attain, was it to express our own grace and individuality or just to follow a type of aesthetics accepted by our time?

During this big crisis at first is not questioned what was imposed, but ourselves. However, once we begin to identify the truth we will be able to separate the inner self from the personas we wear and what in us were only adaptation patterns. It is only then, when armed with a new security and sense of self that we are we able to talk about significant choices that would express what are our true values.

Living in a time in which we are inundated with so many alluring possibilities, not having achieved what we imagined our dreams were asking for and what we thought we deserved can be devastating. Perhaps the saddest form the crisis can assume is a hopeless feeling of guilt for not having achieved results. This can be a moment when we are flooded with discontent and anxiety and waste energy with sterile comparisons with the apparent happiness of our neighbor, boss or brother-in-law: jealously and envy become the strongest feeling to which we have access in the mist of being assaulted by so many moods.

But those who are very successful can also feel that they unsatisfied or unfulfilled and everything achieved is only a more or less pale in comparison to the shine of the dream. Those people who did not place so much importance on these types of conquests but tried to do the best possible, following all the rules, who tried to have the right family and bring up children in the right way, eat all the right vegetables and vitamins, see in the same way their internal life collapse and have the uncomfortable feeling that life was not worth it. Because our inner upheaval does not deal with what we really did, but with who we ultimately were and will be, and with how we did what was important for us. And, mainly, with what we allowed ourselves to feel.

Dan takes his imported car and chooses a road randomly. He can no longer bear Tereza's false and high-pitched laugh. He puts a rock CD on full volume, the kind he is only able to listen to in comfort when locked in his office; his music is not readily accepted by his family and he can't fight every battle...

He stops in a rural and idyllic area, which looks a bit like a slightly kitsch painting from a kitchen calendar. He lights a cigarette (he had started smoking again in secret) and stares for some time at a man of about 50 who is collecting bunches of large purple grapes.

Finally the man comes close and offers him a perfect bunch, very dark, on a blue plate. The piercing beauty of the composition was painful and Dan realized that he would swap all of his success, power and status for the certainty and serenity contained in a piece of land full of sun. Because he felt that status could be lost at any moment, it is "like smoke and you are stupid to think you can hold on to it". He begins to cry and sob and is unable to stop for a long time, days and days. It is the beginning of the melting... he starts his long defreezing.

The middle age crisis is a great migration of the soul from its original way of operating to a way that is totally unknown. An immense psychic journey is undertaken during which beliefs, values, certainties, references that guided our behavior and expectations are abandoned, taking us to a great moment of suspension, in which everything we were no longer seems to make sense, and what we are to become is, to say the least, vague. We are strangers within ourselves, going to other psychological lands, where they speak a different language, which we have to learn.

The territory between one state and the other seems to be covered with traps, pittholes and uncertainties, and at this moment we don't perceive that our psyche only appears confused but is following a deeper call: it has all the capacity to safely take us to the other side of the bridge and create new paths where we had only seen emptiness. This is possible if we let the change occur with a minimum of reluctance and resistance on the part of our ego, and learn to listen to what comes from within us.

Dan was at his crisis moment an American by birth living in Brazil, an expat, and could remember in the post-grape period, during which he completed rethought and re structured his life, how he arrived in Brazil and earlier, his arrival in Singapore, where he had also lived. The feeling was one of a total break down in references. He lost the most banal orientations, from the city and neighborhood where he lived, favorite shops, strolls, the steps to enter his house, the way of putting the key in the door. Families and friends were distant, like the trusted doctor, and the person is surrounded by different sounds and smells, other cadences and rhythms, colors in the sky and plants that are completely different and people who use a verbal and corporal language full of incomprehensible signs.

We have an identity, and in general we seem we know who we are, and don't think anything more about it. We have nuclear pointers that inform us of our sense of self, being, feeling, but usually we don't reach out to them. But it is possible to tend to replace being by doing and confuse identity with the way in which it is expressed.

Clothes, language, gestures, attitudes, like relationships and interactions are part of this way of expressing that interacts with the world and which provides constant feedback on how we have performed and how we are seen.

All of this changes radically when the person arrives in a different country and a period of great vulnerability may occur. There is a mollusk called Nautilus that abandons its shell when it becomes too small and wanders through the seas until it finds another shelter. During its dangerous journey the Nautilus is only able to rely on its basic plan to survive and manages to arrive. It is the same for humans.

During the transition between two different psychic countries, the emigrating soul looses at first all references and maps for the journey into the unknown and has to search for its most internal cores and nuclei of identity, excavating into itself where there are no more outer orientations.

According to Daniel Levinson, the author of Seasons of a Man's Life, during this phase we have to cross a real desert, where we have to escape from the mirages and the false oasis of standard answers. There are true moments of refuge and rest, like deep friendships, the nutrition provided by art, moments of self-knowledge. But the frantic search for sterile pleasure can leave the feeling that our face is buried in the sand and it is only by chance that we can breath...

Dan separated from Tereza and left her with the luxury apartment and some other dreams from adolescence - including the illusion that he had loved her. He spent some time experiencing new things, laughed a lot, got hurt a lot and changed deeply.

Remembering what he did each time he arrived in a new country, Dan sought his favorite musics and books that spoke to him with intimate and familiar images and he started to write a diary in which he was able to realize there was a story and some strong coherences in his biography. He saw in some memories a solid character structure that he liked, a basic sense of fairness and solidarity, and slowly re-built his self-esteem. Based on a global understanding of his journey, he could look at all that was new with the curiosity and awe of someone truly young at heart.

It is the time to look for the entrances to wells and mines where the true wealth is, that will build the real resources for the following cycle: our own internal springs. This is a phase that involves a leap of 180 degrees during which we discover that what really counts is below the surface, in our own ore deposits, psychic petroleum wells, the treasures within us and in deep human relationships.

How do we discover the entrances and canals to our own resources? We have to follow the nature movement of our psyche that pulls us towards the center, and to look inward and beyond appearances. Make less concessions, listen more and better; connect with real feelings and emotions that are covered by sterile states of spirit, and undefined moods.

Irritability may be trying to tell us of real anger that if examined has the potential for revolution: bad moods can be covering a real sadness that could transform when we find what are the real causes of our grief, small enthusiasms that could have taken the place of real passions and an ability to love never truly experienced, random attractions and hunger for occasional conquests that could replace real contact with Eros, our life force and connective energy.

Perhaps it's the time to only accept the genuine item, to give voice not to the caricatures, farces and games that imitate vital movements without actually legitimating them. If we can face our demons, integrate opposites, refuse everything that is unilateral and imposed from outside in and not feel satisfied with what is superficial and fabricated, we will be able to discover the true sources of a new creativity.

Marina began to forgive herself for having lost, in her eyes, the factories her father had left her. She dreamt again of various versions of the cathedral walls, covered in plates of different materials and delicately colored. She tried to reproduce them in paintings and later by weaving wonderful carpets, where colors like those of the wings of the butterfly wove scenes of people and the world. She brought some cats home and interrupted her therapy only to travel, to create and exhibit her art in Europe; she also seriously thought about adopting a child.

By crossing the desert, perhaps we can discover that what counts is not the result but the quality of the experience itself. It is not where the arrival point is but the intrinsic value and the unique and individual ways in which we involve ourselves while undertaking the journey. The emphasis changes from having and doing to being. Illusions no longer count and in general it is these that are lost and not the real hopes.

Instead of dealing with only the unilateral we can now incorporate polarities in a more integrated way: old and new no longer need to be incompatible, the structured side of Senex can have a dialogue with Puer, the world does not consist of or/or but of additions, the Trickster rests and leaves us in peace for a while, and thus it is possible to organize our symbolic and actual homes and start to be more complete.

Women who were only warriors, for example, can now discover a more ample feminine side, as happened with Marina, and those who only fulfilled the typically feminine roles can begin to let their masculine side function and begin very different journeys. A patient aged 51 who had lost a son to Aids returned to the psychology university she had left a long time ago, to enable herself to attend to and counsel people with the same problem. Men who are only interested in power will be able to come into contact with sensitivity and open various other opportunities. As we are speaking of individuals, all kinds of new dynamics and solutions can appear as original ways of readressing life.

External conquests can be put in context and provide space for the search for the meaning of life, whilst absolute truths destroyed by the crisis give way to constructive doubts and flexible perceptions. And slowly, the perception that the only possible future is to become old and useless gives way to a view of a new full and satisfying cycle. The more arid sides of Senex can be substituted by the archetype of Old Wise Man, and it is possible to try to be mentors and convey experiences in many different ways.

At this time the extremely severe evaluations stop and we can even look with sympathy at the human and warrior youths we were. And we are open and ready to undertake a special and very original moment in life: individuation, Jung's term for the quests for meaning and true identity.

We were in various ways, consumed by what was socially acceptable and appropriate, and by false promises of well being from outside. This questioning which we experienced will enable us to be free to discover ourselves and be true to ourselves listening to our own voice and being faithful to our essence. The "I" that we thought was lost acquires new dimensions and forms, and with its wings strengthened by the change of feathers we can fly to meet the new unknown being within us. There is still a lot to howl at, but out of happiness... perhaps even with serenity.

After a meeting in which he had been particularly flexible with respect to some innovative proposals that he viewed with great enthusiasm, Dan saw in active imagination a place that looked like the river of statues of his earlier dream. It was dawn, and he was unable to see much, but when the margin appeared there was a boat waiting. Dan rowed to the other side and watched the sun rise. Suddenly, he saw the statues again. King and Queen were there, and the third figure he now recognized as being of a knight very similar to his younger self. They began to melt and were transformed into little puddles and rivulets, which ran into the river. Dan lent down and picked something shinning out of the sand. To his surprise it was a gold crown. He no longer wanted to be king of the world, top of the heap, but he had managed to become king of his world.

Mara Liberman

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Published in Catharsis Magazine, year 4, May/June 1998

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